My Previous Life as a Non-Christian Christian

So, one of the biggest challenges I've encountered throughout my life, and perhaps you have too, is confidently and outwardly appearing Christian. Now, I mentioned this in my intro, but there are so many ways in which being in this world can distract from our true focus, and for anyone struggling with the same things, let me just say, I feel you. I know what it's like to be ashamed because I couldn't stand up for Christ in a moment, or follow the word, fall to sin, or simply forget about who I was because I was influenced by my surroundings, and cared more about what they thought than what God thought.

By using the term "outwardly appearing," I want to make it clear that I do not think that should be the goal, nor is it necessarily something we achieve ourselves. Through obeying the word, one doesn't even need to try appearing Christian, because in Christ we are transformed and it comes naturally - we want to be like Him (Romans 12:2, 2 Corinthians 5:17). That is one of the promises we are given. The problem is having the confidence and the tools to defend Christ, being open and unashamed of your faith. Because if we take a look at 1 Peter 3:15, one very important advantage of displaying your faith is testifying. The verse says:

1 Peter 3:15
but Sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence;

It struck me today that during my college days, I spent the first half with many non-Christians, bonding over secular things and enjoying their company for who they are. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, let's get that straight. But I found myself wanting to be more like them, and attending church was rather like checking off a box than upholding my spiritual life. I spent the second half of college actively seeking out a college ministry that a roommate and a close friend of mine were in, and while this didn't transform my life, it did make things more dichotomous for me. Around that time, I experienced a change in heart, though I was still scared of finding out what it meant to truly follow Jesus Christ, because my eyes were still fixed on worldly things. And this is a common problem to have! I look around at my Christian peers and see that although we all claim to believe the same things, sometimes we don't live them out. We are constantly told by our secular society that we are meant to enjoy things, celebrate our youth, pursue our careers, make the most of it all, and while that's not necessarily bad, because of these values I have truly struggled with putting God at the center of my life.

So that being said, what does it even mean to live life a Christian? What does that actually look like? You might think that this is an obvious question, but disregarding the answer can prove very harmful, and it will set you back in your faith. I know all too well what it's like to think I am following God when really I am not. Because the truth is that we all have idols in our lives, perhaps not in the form of a golden statue, but we constantly value material items and things of the world over God, often without even realizing it. One of most difficult in life is admitting our error, not to others, but to ourselves, and then to God. God brings about that realization in so many ways. He is gracious, and He will intervene.

For example, there are times in my life when I think I am doing great. I feel blessed, I feel surrounded by people who like me and admire me, I feel buoyant and unstoppable. My work is going well. But somewhere along the way, I make less time for God. I may be doing well physically, mentally, even emotionally, but spiritually? I am suffering.

A followup question is this: what's so great about being Christian? A lot of non-Christians I've talked to seem to be under the impression that being Christian means giving up personal freedoms, or perhaps the freedom to engage in risky behavior or make their own choices. The word obedience throws them off. The immediacy and tangibility of this world makes God and His kingdom less relevant in their lives. I've 100% been there before. I have been tricked into thinking that committing sin is okay, as long as I repent of it later.

God intervened in my life. He showed me that each aspect of my life doesn't hold as true worth as faith. The reward in Heaven is great, and it's really difficult for me to believe that a place like Heaven even exists, but that is something I've begun to ponder lately. We think the things we do for ourselves on this earth are so important. What would it mean to let go of that for just a second? Reconsider what our true purpose is? If I am called to love my neighbor, why am I doing it so badly? And if I am Christian, why am I suffering so much? In this period of my life, as I have turned to God, why do I still feel so numb, unfulfilled, and unhappy?

Here is a slew of Scripture that was revealed to me recently:

1 Peter 1:7
so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ;

I don't know about you, but when the Bible compares spiritual things to material things, it really helps. The comparison of faith to gold continues to astonish me. Faith is more precious than gold. My faith is worth more than something considered valuable, and even then faith is not perishable, but gold is.

Again in Job, the comparison is made:

Job 23:10
"But He knows the way I take; When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold.

And then, in James, it says:

James 1:2-3
Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.

And in Romans:

Romans 5:3-4
And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.


So, I of little faith, sit here, writing up a blog post about how my faith is being tested. I know that I have read all of these verses before, but they never struck me the way they did when I read them recently. If God is intervening in my life, in yours, then it must be worth it. I often reflect on how I used to live, and even when I was practically secular. I wasn't any better off, in fact, I was definitely worse off, and ignoring the problem. Like I mentioned in my Fruit of the Spirit blog post, I really enjoy lists, they're very specific and concrete. Here in Romans, it says that tribulation leads to perseverance, perseverance leads to proven character, proven character leads to hope, and hope does not disappoint. Let me repeat that: hope does not disappoint! I am so good at being disappointed, feeling frustrated and beaten down and wronged by my tribulation, but this says there is an order to getting to that hope which does not disappoint. God hasn't abandoned us, He doesn't enjoy what we're going through, but how crazy is it that He loves us enough to call us out (Proverbs 3:12).

Something I find really fascinating to think about is how, when I live contently, I don't really show much growth, and I start to think more selfishly. When I go through a hard time, really what God is telling me is that I'm not there yet. I'm not who He wants me to be. He's planned out my path, and He sees who I am and who I will be, if I let Him steer my life. So, if you're still not sure about how to pray to God or where you stand with your faith, a good starting place can be to ask yourself who you want to be, what you want to change, and what areas of your life are out of your control. Because the truth is, we can't do it alone. God knows exactly what's right for us, and I'm excited to see how He will lead me.

Best Blessings,
CM